I like to start my day with a newspaper and a Coke at the food court in Bow Valley Square. Its usually pretty deserted and I get a little quiet time before the day begins.

So today there's this lady sitting there and she's like "snort". Snooooort. Geez lady, if you have a head full of snot, go blow your goddamn nose already, I'll get you the Kleenex myself if it'll shut you the hell up. Snooort. And she's drinking a cofee or something through a straw, but she can't seem to get her lips fully around it, or she has a hairlip or something. Slurp. Snorrrt. Slurrrp. I was on the verge of getting up and leaving [or decking her] but she mercifully got up and left.

Thank fucking god. Now I can read my paper.

Then a guy sits down by me with a breakfast, McMuffin or something. Smack, smack, smack. WTF? The guy is eating his food with his yap fucking wide open so I can plainly see and hear him masticating his food. Smack, smack, smack. Didn't your crack whore excuse of a mother teach you any godamn manners you filthy bovine?

I had enough, I left.

Later in the day, I had a big lunch. It was a bit much, chicken primavera with stir-fry pasta. Very good, but I was so full I just felt like crawling into a corner and taking a nap. Anyway, I had to talk to somebody about something, and as soon as she opened her mouth, I just about vomitted my whole lunch right back up again. Holy halitosis batman, get that woman a tictac or something. Mouthwash, lysol, anything. It wasn't cigarettes and coffee, which is the usual combo that causes really bad breath, but something else. Food? I don't know, not sure if anybody would eat something that rank. Maybe she forgot to brush her teeth [for a few weeks] or maybe it was some strange, exotic form of BO. Don't know, but I kept my distance for the rest of our conversation, lest I share my stomach contents with her pumps.